This piece has been percolating in my head for a while, and although it may reference some older links, the subject is unfortunately still all too relevant.
After reading this piece on how girls and women are socialized to accept on a daily basis the same sorts of behaviors that have their logical conclusion in rape, and the ways in which we are penalized for speaking up or acting out against those lesser acts of aggression, I have to say, I'm worried about my daughter. She's not even four yet, and I already see how this stuff impacts her.
The other day on the bus, a stranger offered my daughter and another young girl a dollar each, for being cute. I let her take it, but I wondered about the message being sent there. That she deserves money for looking attractive? That a stranger has the right to approach us that way? I allowed it because I was worried about his reaction if I said, "No." I preferred the risk of sending her a bad message than the risk that he could get aggressive or even violent if I refused. It got me thinking about the ways that we try to protect our daughters, and the messages we send in how we choose to do that.
I have friends whose daughters are entering adolescence, and they make jokes about needing to buy weaponry and about intimidating their daughters' future boyfriends. Even friends with younger daughters will joke about it as something for the future.
These are ways that we joke about the likelihood that our daughters will be raped by boys they know, and are dating. We do this, I think, because we know, even the dads know, how damn likely that is, and it horrifies us. Looking at it face-on is terrifying for a parent, and so we joke about it, the way we joke about death and old-age and disability, because it scares us.*
But joking about it also reinforces it.
It reinforces the idea that our daughters will be under attack by predatory males and that this is how the world works. It reinforces that it is the parents' job to protect their daughter not only from attack but from sex itself. It reinforces the idea of the adolescent girl as property and as her sexuality as something that is under the control of other people.
None of these are narratives that I want to reinforce. At the same time, I understand the desire, because the threat to our daughters is so real**. It can be hard at times to draw the line between teaching them ways to possibly reduce risk and doing things that reinforce dangerous and sexist messaging.
It is so true that the only guaranteed way to not be raped is to never be in the same space as a rapist, but I'm still going to want my daughter to take a self-defense course, and I'm still going to warn her about leaving her drink unattended, and expect her to internalize the giant laundry list of things women constantly do every day to try to keep themselves safe.
It disheartens me that we live in a society where women and girls have to think and operate that way, under the constant threat of possible attack, but that is the society we live in. I can't change that single-handedly, and not to teach my daughter about that would feel irresponsible to me.
My daughter's asthma is triggered by respiratory infections, so I get her the flu shot every year. It doesn't mean I won't end up in the ER with her, it doesn't even mean she won't get the flu. It means it might be somewhat less likely that she'll get the flu, and it means that even if she does, when I'm sitting with her on the ventilator mask, I'll know I did everything I could to prevent it.
It's the same impulse that leads women to follow that giant list of precautions, so that if we are raped at least people won't be able to say that it happened because we did something wrong, or didn't do the right things to stay safe. "At least," we think on some hidden level, "it won't be my fault." As if we apply those same standards victims of any other crime.
You know what I'd love to be able to say to my teenaged daughter's some-day boyfriend?
"I don't care if you have sex, but if you do, it had better be because that's what she wants. Not because you got her drunk, or pestered her until she gave in, or forced her, or made her feel guilty or embarassed. Here's a secret almost no one is going to tell you: women like sex. When my daughter is ready, she won't have to be convinced."
Of course, the unevolved animal parent brain mentally adds, "And if you do anything she doesn't enthusiastically want, I will hunt you down and kill you myself." I'm still working on getting a handle on that, because the part of me that knows the culture of violence is the real problem regardless of how it's directed runs up against the part of me that thinks that if women started uniformly killing rapists we'd probably see a decrease in rape statistics.
But it's pretty doubtful that I'd ever really have that conversation.
So, realistically, how do we work to end these kinds of harmful messages and assumptions that seem so built-in to the fabric of our society? I love this idea, that, "If she's not having fun, you have to stop." What a great lesson for any kid, male or female. What a great lesson for anyone of any age!
And that's how we start, we start with letting our daughter know that if she doesn't feel like kissing or hugging us, that's ok. We make sure that when she tells us to stop tickling, we stop. We tell her that it's her body, and she gets to decide about it. We let her see that we each get to make the decisions about our bodies, which means she has to respect us too. We work to raise a girl who will feel confident not only in saying no, but in saying yes when it's right for her.
And, as parents who want to protect our child, we work on letting go. We work on the baby steps of accepting that while we may know what's best for her now, someday she will be the one who knows best. We do it now so that later we can trust that we have given her the grounding and security in herself and her decisions to make the right ones.
And, at some point, we close our eyes, whisper a prayer, and hope that's enough to keep her safe.
* I'm not trying to be ableist there, or saying it's right that people should fear age and disability that way. Just saying that because our society is not set up to give full dignity and rights to people who aren't fully able-bodied, that the idea of living as a disabled or elderly person is scary for many people. I think a lot of the jokes that mock age and disability are ways to mentally protect the teller from examining the very real probability that they will some day face that in their own life.
** As the mother of a daughter, I'm writing from that perspective, but I also recognize that with sons parents face the opposite side of the coin in showing young men how not to be overtaken by society's messed up messages of what it means to be a man, and how manhood is proven.
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