Feminist Parenting: The Larger Picture

I have a suggestion for all the people out there who consider themselves progressives, and who are currently child free.

Before you decide to say that kids shouldn't be allowed on airplanes, in restaurants, in theaters, or basically out in public at all unless they're able to behave like miniature adults, take a moment to realize that you are spouting the exact same rationale that allows privileged groups to tell marginalized groups to sit down, shut up, and adapt to the world built for people of privilege rather than demanding that the world adapt to them by becoming more just.

When you say that kids need to act like adults to be acceptable in the public eye, you're in league with those who say the LGBT community should just "act straight" and not be out in public forcing people to acknowledge their existence.

When you get annoyed that kids being around impacts your ability to have the quiet adults-only experience you wanted, you are acting very similarly to those who complain that fat people walking around in bathing suits like they have the nerve to be ok with their bodies makes a day at the beach unpleasant.

Yes, the adult world is not designed for kids. Nor is the able-bodied world designed to accommodate disabled bodies, nor the cisgender world to facilitate the lives of trans people, nor the neurotypical world for NNT folks. The world we have is designed to make life easier for those at the top of the pyramid of kyriarchy. Let's pull no punches here, that means the world is designed for the comfort and convenience of white, able-bodied, straight, attractive, neurotypical, slim, educated, cisgender, high-income adult males (and there are undoubtedly some categories that I've forgotten here that also convey privilege).

Yet almost never do progressives just decide that, hey, those pyramid toppers really are the majority, so they deserve to have the world adapt to them. Folks who are in the minority, who find the world as it exists to help the pyramid toppers just doesn't accommodate or even acknowledge their needs? Well, those folks really just need to accept things as they are and do their best to fit into "normal" society. And if they can't do that? Well, then they need to at least get out of the public eye, instead of demanding that they be treated as human beings with equal rights. Because acknowledging their equal rights and changing society so that everyone can participate equally is a pain for the pyramid toppers.

And let's face it, most of us are somewhere further up on that pyramid than the bottom rung. Most of us have our areas of privilege, and it's damn easy to ignore the privilege we have in favor of complaining about the ones we don't have.

Here's one that pretty much everyone reading this has: adult privilege.

As an adult, the world is generally sized to fit me. I will probably be able to find a seat in public spaces that will allow me to sit comfortably and reach the floor. Light switches, windows, sinks and toilets are positioned for me to be able to reach easily. I can be fairly certain that I will be able to lock the door to my bathroom stall and reach the toilet paper once I'm sitting down. I will almost never find myself trapped somewhere that I cannot leave without assistance. When I am hungry, I can get the food that I want when I need it; when I am thirsty, I can get a drink when I need it. When eating out, or at a movie, the wait time will usually feel reasonable to me, and I can eat as I would at home without attracting stares and rude comments. Silverware, plates, and glasses will be sized to fit my hands. If my wait time for food or entertainment feels unreasonable, and I complain, people will generally be understanding and apologetic. I understand the unspoken rules of interacting in public spaces, they feel natural to me, and I am able to follow them without causing myself distress.

I can speak my native language with fluency and always be understood by other native speakers. I will almost never be laughed at by another speaker of my native language for my language choices, or inability to express myself. If I am routinely yelled at, criticized, and belittled in my own home, almost everyone will recognize that as abusive behavior. I cannot legally be physically disciplined in my place of education. If I am hit, even once, by a loved one, that can be legally considered abuse. I have legal standing to protect myself. My physical and emotional needs are treated as reasonable and important. I am not dependent on others for my economic support.

I could go on and on, but I think this helps to draw the picture. I recognize that each of the things I've listed can be negated by another form of marginalization, like disability, non-neurotypicalness, fatness, old age, poverty, etc., but my point stands. Children are marginalized daily by adult society, and, for the most part, even "progressive" adults will accept and support that marginalization, rather than asking adult society to make the adaptations necessary to treat children as full human beings, with different needs from adults.

Progressive parents, parents who are taking a long-term view of their child's development, and of society's development towards justice, are not going to play the "children should be seen and not heard" game. We're concerned not just with making things easy for the adults around our kids, but with growing our kids into the kind of adults who care about others, and respect those further down on that pyramid.

So no, I'm not going to let my four-year-old kick the back of your seat during a three-hour plane flight. But neither am I going to insist that she sit completely still and make no noise. I'm not going to take her to a 10 pm showing of Up, but I'm going to expect that it's ok if she asks me questions in her normal voice throughout the matinee showing. I'm going to take her out to real restaurants, and ignore the dirty looks when she drops her (adult-sized) fork for the third time and spills the (adult-sized) glass of milk. And yeah, I may choose to continue shopping while she throws her hissy fit, because maybe teaching her that the hissy fit doesn't earn a reaction is more important to me on a long-term basis than whether you have to hear her that one time. And if I choose to sit down and quietly talk to her about why she's upset rather than putting her in time out, or punishing her, maybe it's because I actually care about her feelings, and about taking care of them and of her.

Maybe that more just world we're all hoping, looking, and working for comes when we respect everyone's rights and needs, not just those that impact us, or whose struggles we can sympathize with, or who don't personally annoy us.  And maybe, just maybe, starting out a child's life by teaching them that they matter, and that they have the right to be treated as a full and equal human being regardless of their size or ability, is the start to changing the larger society so that it recognizes the needs of all its members, regardless of where they fall on that pyramid.

Here's the post that originally got me thinking about all of this, and here's one with some similar ideas about the personhood of kids.

Comments

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=752594747]

Word Up Elena!!! LOVE IT!

[twitter.com/carryoncalmly]

Thank you so much for commenting on my article, and I am so happy it spurred you on to write this - this is excellent and so true! I've been thinking about the concept of "adult privilege" for a long while, and although it's difficult sometimes, because, for example, there are some privileges on there that, say, an adult with disabilities also lack, and some that an elderly person would lack... but yes, I do think it exists, and I don't think many people realise it.

I'm so heartened to read this; I'm really happy that feminists are waking up to the idea that children's rights/needs need to be part of the bigger picture, rather than children being pushed to one side as a "problem" to be dealt with by childcare or, well, not having any.

I hope it's okay to submit this piece to the carnival of feminist parenting (it's a bit late for this month's I think but for next month hopefully).

Thanks so much for writing this.

Ruth (Look Left of the Pleiades)

[twitter.com/Hobo_Mama]

I'm glad Ruth clued me into this article on Twitter. You've really said exactly what it's like to have the unspoken privileges of being an adult. I hope more feminists, and people in general, will wake up to the idea that children are valuable even though they have children's needs and abilities. Thank you!

Lauren (Hobo Mama, http://www.HoboMama.com)

[www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawkwwn-iG3tjpQeWvKQ4sIg2SLfPfFjuZiU]

Awesome!

[Elena Perez]

Thanks, Ruth, I'd love to be submitted! I did leave old age off my list of things that can negate those privileges, so I'm going to add it in.

And thanks Camille and Lauren, it's great to hear from others who are on the same page about kids & parenting and, if you will, making the political personal!

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1003055337]

FANTASTIC post.

I am American, but I live in the Middle East where children are viewed very positively and we can take our children ANYWHERE. There are always children everywhere we go, therefore the adults present are considerate of the needs of the children. There is an atmosphere of inclusion that is not present when we visit our home state in the US. In fact, this is one of the reasons we choose to live here instead of in the US--our children are respected here in public. We don't get eye rolls, stares or comments for bringing our children into nice restaurants, movie theaters, parks, shopping malls or anywhere else.

I love this article.

[Susannah Musillami]

Wow, this reminds me a whole lot of a post I read a few weeks ago here:

http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/10/dancing-between-the-tables-on-the-personhood-of-children/

The similarities are uncanny. That said, yes, I agree.

[Ghostlove]

Elena, this post is amazing. I'll be including it in this month's Carnival of Feminist Parenting over at Mothers For Women's Lib. :D

You've also inspired me. I'd like to write an Adult Privilege Checklist, much like the White Privilege Checklist and the Male Privilege Checklist. Would you mind if I used the ideas you've come up with in this post while I write the list?

[Elena Perez]

Susannah, I hadn't read that post before, but you're right, it's totally in-line with what I'm saying here, and it's great to see so many other mothers thinking along the same lines and bringing these ideas out for discussion! Maybe it's steam-engine time? (In case that reference makes no sense to you: http://www.mydigitallife.co.za/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=188&Itemid=40)

Anji: That's fantastic, and I'd be thrilled if you used my piece as a jumping-off point for a checklist like that!

[twitter.com/summerm]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this!

[Ghostlove]

I'm writing the checklist now and I have to admit I'm using some of your points almost verbatim. I'll credit you when I publish it - do you want me to link back to this post or would you like me to use a different link?

[twitter.com/Ravan_A]

So, essentially, not "discriminating" against your kids means that we should enjoy the "diversity" of tantrums (my parents took me out of the store like responsible parents), overtired kids screaming in stores being "talked to" rather than taken home and put to bed for a much needed nap (where's your respect for the diversity of my hearing, or your respect for your kid's needs?) and kids that are untrained at any age for how to behave in public, thus growing up to be entitled, arrogant hooligans.

You see, being truly progressive really means having *RESPECT* for others - disabled, fat, GLBT, young, old, female, male, POC, childfree, parents - and thus consideration for their genuine needs. It does not mean "tolerance" at the expense of civilized society.

It does not mean shoving your bad habits and rudeness in others' faces and telling them to "be tolerant" and suck it up and deal, your precious child is more important than anyone else's hearing or sanity. Don't think that discipline is not what parenting is about, and we all should "be more understanding". If it is something that would get me, as an adult, arrested or thrown out of a store, theater, or whatever, your kid shouldn't be allowed to do it either. Simple.

BTW, certain disabilities have sound sensitivities with them. Screeching children are painful, and abusive of those people. Where's your sensitivity and tolerance there?

Yes, I'm progressive, female, bi, fat pagan, disabled, AND CHILDFREE. I find this screed to be full of stereotypes about the childfree and downright insulting. You are welcome to get over yourself and realize that there are other people in the world that have the right to eat and shop in peace, without being nearly run into by screaming children. (This isn't a stereotype, BTW, I regularly end up nearly falling over because I have to avoid yelling or screaming kids when out shopping, and I often come home with a headache from the noise.) I have given up going to restaurants, because there is no longer a difference between "family" restaurants - where kids can come to learn about how to eat in a restaurant - and fine dining.

Yes, kids have fewer rights, some for a good reason. If you were really concerned about the rights of children, you would take a hard look at our schools, which are close to miniature prisons. The childfree aren't a threat to your kids' rights for wanting some peace and quiet. The schools that have a "zero tolerance" policy and arrest kids for food fights, plastic butterknives and OTC ibuprofen are threats to kids' rights. I suggest you pick the real battles.

[twitter.com/typeamom]

You being bi, fat and pagan is surely offensive to some people. I guess we'd better keep you at home, then.

(Since you clearly missed the entire point of the post).

[twitter.com/crazyadventures]

Ravan, you say you find this "screed" full of stereotypes about the child free, but what about your tweet here? http://twitter.com/Ravan_A/status/5716973268

"another entitled parent whining about how mean the childfree are for wanting some peace"

I find it hilarious you took such offense to the post, yet, you've proven it's point with your comment. I'm with Kelby, stay home where it's more "civilized" to your liking, then.

[twitter.com/Ravan_A]

Lisa, tweets are shorthand. The screed reads like an entitled parent whining about someone not seeing and granting their obvious privilege in having children. While I'm all for respecting people's needs, I'm not for subordinating mine to other's whims. Screaming in public when there is no emergency is not a need, no matter who you are. If there is an emergency, it needs to be dealt with, not ignored.

Kelby, I stay home because most people are offensive to *me* - rude, inconsiderate, ill-mannered, and raised by people who think that it's just fine to have children who scream, hit, and run around like maniacs in public places with no consequences. You know, the current "my kid can do anything it wants to because kids are precious" school of childrearing. I will never "respect" that. Anyone who does is an idiot.

[twitter.com/typeamom]

Sad that you don't even see you are completely stereotyping all kids as maniacs. No wonder people stereotype you. You sound, oh, suspiciously like someone who grew up to be entitled and arrogant.

[twitter.com/vegas710]

"I find this screed to be full of stereotypes about the childfree and downright insulting"

And yet you are happy to prove the stereotype:

"If it is something that would get me, as an adult, arrested or thrown out of a store, theater, or whatever, your kid shouldn't be allowed to do it either. Simple."

[Ghostlove]

"If it is something that would get me, as an adult, arrested or thrown out of a store, theater, or whatever, your kid shouldn't be allowed to do it either. Simple."

The difference is it's probably not age-appropriate behaviour for you. It is age-appropriate behaviour for the child. Equality doesn't mean "exactly the same".

[twitter.com/AngEngland]

"The difference is it's probably not age-appropriate behaviour for you. It is age-appropriate behaviour for the child. Equality doesn't mean "exactly the same"."

EXACTLY!! A blind man can take his dog into a mall. I cannot. Similarly, my preschool son can go into a woman's restroom with me - my husband cannot.

Angela <><

[twitter.com/AngEngland]

This was the comment I left at http://momshare.net when this article was submitted there for voting and discussion. BEFORE the rude comments. I leave it at this:

"I love this article! Jesus said "Let the children come to me" in the middle of His sermon to a group of grown adults. It was nearly unheard of but set the tone for how my husband and I treat our children. They are HUMANS. In their own rights. With desires, feelings, preferences, attitudes, etc.

No - they are not miniature adults. Nor are they lap-dogs. They are the future parents of my grandchildren and how I treat them will in a large way determine how they treat my grandkids in 30 years. So no - I will NOT leave them behind, lock them away or shut them up. If YOU can be here, and listen, comment, question, interact - how much MORE IMPORTANT for my children?

And before you poo-poo me for having a "bunch of kids" just remember that without a future generation there is no future. :-)

Angela <><"

[twitter.com/crazyadventures]

"While I'm all for respecting people's needs, I'm not for subordinating mine to other's whims."

Ravan, how is a mother, who's husband is a soldier overseas, alone in a strange place, forced to grocery shop on her own with a teething toddler, out on "a whim?" It happens, especially where I'm from. Perhaps once in a while she'd like to go out and eat instead of cook and eat alone with no one to talk to. Perhaps sometimes she'd like to go out and be a part of society instead of mope at home worrying about her husband's safety, or clinging to the news like a lifeline. Perhaps her child is having trouble dealing with his/her dad being overseas, too, and is acting out as a way to get attention. And there you are, snubbing your nose at him/her and that mother.

Children aren't born with this innate sense of hands-in-my-lap, mouth-closed, walk-in-a-straight-line kind-of control like you want them to be. It takes practice, "rehearsing" if you will, over time, and PATIENCE. And until they get it, they're gonna be a kid, a kid who deserves no less respect than you or anyone, despite their age or size. So until you know, with certainty, what the mother or parent is going through personally, stop insinuating that all children are brats that are out of control and that their parents have "bad habits" who simply don't give a crap how they behave and are out to get you and others. You haven't walked in their shoes, have you?

Everyone in the world doesn't wake up first thing in the morning and say to themselves - "Oh, I shouldn't go out because I have kids, I might upset Ravan." And you say that the AUTHOR needs to get over herself? Pot, let me introduce you to the kettle.....

[alanbleiweiss]

I'd like to weigh in, being a straight overweight semi-Christian semi-pagan semi-buddhistic guy sans children.
Think of my post as the counter-post to Ravan (no offense - this is just my own opinion, as is yours).

I'm not an expert simply because I am NOT myself a parent. Yet three different sets of families have, over the years, blessed me by designating me Godfather to their children.

After decades of interacting with, babysitting, and multi-day care-taking boys and girls as much as I have (even having been a live-in full time nanny to one Godson), I feel I've at least got a tiny inkling about the subject at hand. And that may be why I see things the way I do. I've had a taste of the parenting medicine.

Anyhow, when my oldest Godson was a toddler, our whole family went out to dinner one evening - my parents, my sister, her adorable child (my Godson), and I.

At one point, this innocent child was just getting all fidgety and both verbally expressive as well as semi-mobile. While confined to a seat near the window.

Initially, my sister chose not to respond to him, instead continuing on with the conversation of the moment. After a bit, however, she proceeded to quietly encourage him to settle down, and to question him as to what the cause of his "acting out" might be. Without anger, without judging or labeling his behavior. It took a bit of time and was less than smooth.

During the process, our Dad got quite upset when my Sister didn't yell at her son for "being bad" or "misbehaving".

What I took from that experience was this:

Helping to educate a child about appropriate behavior in public takes tremendous patience and compassion. Yet such education can only take place out in the real world. If a child is going to integrate a life lesson, it needs to take place in the environment which it needs to apply in.

It's natural for people to get uncomfortable when things happen that they themselves have no direct control over. Yet some people would rather point fingers of blame, instead of identifying with the experience. This is made worse if they themselves would do something different given the same situation had they been the person "in control".

In the case of our Father, he was the type of person who would get embarrassed because of his own insecurity - in what strangers would think of HIS (our) family. He was the type parent who had no willingness to tolerate children "being bad" or "misbehaving" in public.

I also know that in any given situation, any parent, of any "general type" could, themselves, lose patience and lash out at their child or storm out of a public venue just to deal with whatever action or behavior their child is expressing.

I, too, have at times, been guilty of glaring at "irresponsible parents". Not being a parent, there are moments I don't want to have to deal with someone else's child's behavior. Ha! I'm human like that. Go figure.

Yet in those moments, how will that child ever learn healthy public behavior? How could they possibly developer interpersonal skills?

Children act the way they do because they're children, learning and growing and experimenting and adapting to a still alien world" perspective.

Elena's spot on about the real issues facing a parent in today's society. And whether we ourselves have children or not, the world would be a lot better off if we took the time to see that.

Just sayin

[twitter.com/vegas710]

alan, that was a lovely comment and you show a clear understanding of child development. Thank you!

[alanbleiweiss]

Oh.

I forgot to add that at least partially thanks to my Dad's methods, I had a most horrific life as a child and young adult due to my lack of any kind of healthy public skill-set. It took years of re-learning what it means to participate in society while still being able to be "me".

On the other hand, my nephew is one of the most amazingly skilled people I know when it comes to being out in public.

How odd.

[twitter.com/typeamom]

Wow, such excellent points. And Alan, you really get to the root of it. Children do not learn to behave properly in public (as children or later as adults) by only being kept home or taken to designated kid places like Chuck E. Cheese. Quite the opposite. Our first lived with us in France at age 1. We took her to fancy restaurants, to cathedrals, to museums like the Louvre, to city markets, and we rarely had ANY issues. Why? Because she was well practiced in being out in public. As soon as we returned to the states and she went to her first "family friendly" restaurant, she acted out.

And not only did she learn how to behave in public, but she LEARNED. You know, that wacky thing called stimulus. Kids NEED IT! I don't care if that bothers a few select uptight people. We are part of a community here. I don't complain if I have to walk more because someone is parked in a handicapped spot. I don't whine if I see a dog inside a shop because the owner is blind. I don't complain if I have different views from someone because it just isn't how I think. That is part of participating in a community.

Only thing I really feel the need to complain about? Bigoted people who stereotype and DO feel they are entitled at the expense of someone else's rights. Ahem.