You can't tell an abuser by looking at them

Similar to my Polimicks post about how you can't tell if someone is a rapist by looking at them, you cannot tell an abuser by looking at them.  This also ties to the "Why doesn't she just leave?" argument brought by people who try to soft-pedal spousal/partner abuse or rationalize why they still hang out with the abuser, or whatever...

The thing is, if abusive people were always abusive assholes, they'd have one hell of a time luring in new victims, wouldn't they? 

Or do you believe that, much like the depictions of abusive people in movies and on TV, they wear their sadism on their sleeves?  Which is really freaking insulting to abuse victims, because what that essentially says is, "You should have known and you're just stupid for not figuring it out before you got locked into it." 

I've had a couple of abusive relationships that, thankfully, didn't last long, and I can tell you that abusers are some of the most charming, manipulative bastards on the planet.  I can only speak about abusive men in my experience, but they can be so very sweet.  They listen to you, really listen, and they "get" you." 

And then the boundary pushing starts. 

Nothing big at first.  A common example is getting ready for a date, "You're not going to wear that are you?"  If you ask them what they mean, you'll get, "Well, I just think blue brings out your eyes better..."  By the time they get to calling you a stupid bitch or hitting you, you will probably have undergone months of very subtle abuse and manipulation, making you more and more dependent on them, interspersed with acts of kindness and sweetness, thoughtful gifts and acts.  And even after it hits the shouting profanities or knocking you around stage, the horror will be offset by the apologies and the honeymoon periods.  And the good will seem so very good particularly in contrast to the horrible.  And you want to believe them, because if they were really abusive you would have seen it before, right?

The fact that they DO have good times with their abusers, causes a lot of women untold amounts of gult and confusion.  A friend of mine who left an abusive marriage once told me that she felt guilty about having fond memories of the good times.  And it's hard, you don't want to believe that the same person who rubbed your feet and made you chicken soup when you were sick is the same person who just called you a stupid whore and threw something at you. 

How do you rationalize both of those people living in the same body?

Someone claimed this was a particularly American foible, but honestly, I think it's a particularly human foible:  we have a hard time believing that someone can simultaneously be nice* and evil. 

Abusers exploit the hell out of this. 

If you really have a problem with this, then look at it this way:  He isn't really nice and evil at the same time.  The nice is just a front to sucker you in so the evil can have it's way with you. 

The thing is, most villians don't see themselves as villians, either on a grand or small scale.  Hitler thought he was saving Germany.  Stalin thought he was saving Russia.  Pol Pot thought he was cleansing Cambodia of corruption.  None of those guys sat down to breakfast thinking:  "Hmmm, what evil shit am I going to do today because I am just so evil.  I LOVE being evil."

The same goes for abusers.  They don't think of themselves as abusers.  Frequently, they feel they're the victimized one.  Many of them probably do think that they wouldn't hit or verbally abuse if their partner didn't do things to "make" them do it. 

It's a really fucked up mindset.  But it's a mindset that invariably aids them in appearing sweet, loving and caring to their next victim. 

So next time someone comes to you asking for help or even just an ear in reference to an abusive relationship, don't say, "Oh my God, I can't believe they'd DO that, they don't look like an abuser." 

*You'll note I said "nice" and not "good." 

Mickey Schulz is a guest author for the California NOW blog; her opinions are not necessarily those of California NOW. Copyright Mickey Schulz, with permission granted to California NOW for use on this site.

Comments

[twitter.com/WickedBitch]

Amen!