When I was 18, I got a phone call, around 9 o'clock at night. My room-mate, calling from the police station. Her ex, the ex who had drunkenly called our place at all hours of the night and left threatening messages on our answering machine, had raped her when she went to his place to pick up a box of her stuff that he'd "found" when doing some cleaning. At his place, when she rebuffed his offer to get back together, and tried to leave, he tackled her to the ground, yanked her clothes off and raped her.
When I got to the police station, she was crying and shaking. She couldn't face the pelvic exam necessary to press charges, particularly not after the policewoman assigned to her case said, "Are you sure you want to ruin his life like this?"
Confronted with a sobbing woman, with torn clothing and bruises, the policewoman felt THAT was an appropriate question.
I still shake thinking about it. I tried to talk my room-mate into going through with the pelvic, I would sit with her, hold her hand, sing her lullabies, discuss particle physics, anything, but she couldn't do it. Crying and shaking, I got her into my car and drove her home.
She never pressed charges.
Unfortunately, I still occasionally run into this guy socially. I try to have as little to do with him as possible. I've warned several of his past girlfriends quietly, just letting them know. He's hit and/or raped at least one of them, that I'm aware of. She never pressed charges either.
Women are very, very aware of what a rape trial will do to THEM. Read the transcripts for any rape trial, even successful prosecutions. Read the questions asked about the victim's behavior, the way she was dressed, her past sexual history, the questioning of her friendships with men, any men... And then tell me that someone already shattered by one of the most heinous invasions that can be perpetrated on anyone's body needs to go through that horseshit. And it isn't any better when the rape victim is a man or a child, either.
Rape trials are incredibly cruel to the victim, regardless of age or gender, and I really can't blame anyone who doesn't want to go through that, especially in the case of aquaintance rape, where the conviction rate is so low. Go find the stats yourself, at RAINN.org. I'm too frustrated to google it for you.
Sometimes I feel like a coward for not denouncing this guy more widely. On the other hand, even when I DO tell people about it, nine times out of ten they chalk it up to my former room-mate wanting revenge on him for the break up. Which makes zero sense when you realize that SHE broke up with HIM, and the drunken 3 am phone calls and threats of violence, including the threat to shoot me (he believed I had seduced her away from him) with a shotgun.
Plus, there is the obscenely more than good chance that any rape denialist is going to go, "See, it wasn't really rape, because if it was she'd have gone through with the rape kit!" For these assholes of both genders, I have nothing but contempt, and a touch of fear that any human being walking around free out there has so little fucking empathy. But then again, these are the same assholes who are asking themselves if Jaycee Dugard really was a captive, because "Dude, she totally could have escaped at any time. Like, if it was me, I'd be all ninja on that dude's ass and..."
Gods, but I hate people.
Honestly, I'm more than a little worried about putting this out there, in case he reads it and recognizes himself, or that someone will point this out to him. Although, I think I'm more afraid that other male friends of mine who are not this guy will out themselves by believing I'm talking about them.
Mickey Schulz is a guest author for the California NOW blog; her opinions are not necessarily those of California NOW. Copyright Mickey Schulz, with permission granted to California NOW for use on this site.
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